One of our earliest supporters of the Tunnel Project has been our sister organization Geography Corner, producer of fine informational materials on locations the world over. It is from here that we were able to find our director of R&D, Dr. Phillip Reasoner. Today, I would like to share with you some of his findings when working for Geography Corner, simply Known as the Portugal Project.
The following are facts gathered by Dr. Reasoner on the matter of Portugal:
Portugal is a small little country that Spain allows on their left coast. It is filled with grumpy people and small cars. The legal drinking age is 14. You can have up to three spouses, of either sex. It is a land of mythical proportions. Their language does not have the vowel “E” yet considers “LL” to be a legitimate vowel. Socks are illegal except when wearing suspenders.
They have a President, elected by only tall people, of which there are few. They also have a Prime Minister, who is elected every three and a half years. They also have a King. When an important bill needs to be made law, the President, Prime Minister and King duke it out. Or swap spouses. Which is awkward because of each having three.
Houses must have three doors. That is because Spain is always pushing on their borders and the King fears his country will fall into the ocean. But since no one can predict which way your house will fall into the ocean, they have three doors, figuring one of them should end up facing up.
They are very environmentally aware in the mythical land of Portugal. To conserve water, families bathe together once a week. Everyone is required to recycle and if you don’t, you can have “LL” branded on your neck. That is a vowel, by the way, and is used in place of our “Oh!”.
The following are additional “Fun Facts” about Portugal:
-Through a profound mix-up, Portugal’s state bird is the Walrus. It’s really funny when said in Portuguese.
-When Cabral discovered Brazil, he specifically founded it to cultivate hot, nubile women who would be willing to lay on the beach topless.
-The original name of Portugal was Luisitania. A prophetess foretold that a ship bearing that name would sink and being a people obsessed with sinking, they chose it.
-Lisbon is filled with hot, young, nubile Lesbians. That’s why it’s called “Lisbon”. They call themselves “Lisbians”. It’s another vowel thing.
-Portugal’s primary export is tampons. They make the best tampons in the industry. Their second largest export are false mustaches.
-If you see any words in Portuguese with an apostrophe, that is called a glottal stop. In Portugal, that means to spit. So, any time you speak it, you must spray spittle at that point. Same goes for the characters é, ã, ê, etc.
-Portugal is obsessed with Peanuts, Pork and Paprika. Street vendors sell these three, called “The Three P’s” (or Tet’razini’ Poop’a'lini in Portuguese). They have an odd habit of leaving the shells on the peanuts in this dish. The British love it, but they have bad teeth. A more rare dish, “The Four P’s”, also incorporates Pigeons.
-While grumpy, the men of Portugal are famed for having very bright teeth. That was how they conquered so much in the 15th and 16th century’s. Few soldiers could stand up to the glare of a legion of Portuguese smiles.
-They do bullfighting in Portugal, but unlike Spain, all bulls are adopted as pets afterwards.
-While officially Roman Catholic, many Portuguese still think Bishops wear funny hats.
-Sadly, when polled, 34% of US High School students have never heard of Portugal, and additional 47% can’t find it on the map and another 39% think it’s some sexy dance move. 91% cannot spell Portuguese, even with a spell checker.
-Soccer was invented by the ancient Portuguese. It was originally played with the heads of Roman soldiers. Romans found it distasteful because every single word associated with the sport had numerous glottal stops, resulting in enormous amounts of spit.
-Wine is VERY important to this country. Very. Very.
-Portuguese conquistadors were tough. While their wimpy Spaniard cousins chewed tobacco, Portuguese chewed gravel. That would cause an enormous amount of saliva build up, and when you saw a fellow’s cheeks bulge, all the conquistadors would start chanting “Spit or Swallow! Spit or Swallow!” It was considered quite manly to swallow the largest loads.
As a result of his findings, Geography Corner was able to produce this piece of literature, which has since won them the “Golden Pamphlet”, the highest of awards issued to tourist-informational organizations:
As you can see, we are very lucky to have Dr. Reasoner with us on our staff. Portugal has been considered as a site for the Tunnel, however due to its exit point, we have elected to not.
In the days to come, other members of our organizations credentials will be shared with you so you will feel more confident in our approach and constant Vigilance.
