The Threat of CHUDs.

Our apologies for our delay in keeping you informed.  We unexpectedly had to go into internet scilence yesterday as a result of a breech in our databases at the WDA labs.  At present, we are not fully aware if any of our information has been compromised, and in turn, the safety of our field team.  We believe it to be members of rival organizations who are also interested in being the first to tunnel through the Earth.

On to more pressing matters, We would like to speak to you, the Science enthusist, about some of the dangers associated with the Tunnel Project, specifically CHUDs.

CHUDs, or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers as they are known as in the Scientific community, became popularized in the mid 1980’s with the release of two documentaries, named C.H.U.D and C.H.U.D II – Bud the Chud respectively.  The first documentary was in many ways a very accurate portrayal of the CHUD although it did get a few things wrong, which we will speak on in a moment.  CHUD II, however, is a dismal joke that portrays them as an experiment gone wrong by the U.S. Government on the homeless to create the ultimate soldier, only to have the subject of their experients, Bud the Chud, accidentally delivered to a local hospital where it escapes, and goes on a killing spree while hilarity ensues.  This is not true.

While not 100% accurate, the image to the left is a close proximity to a real life CHUD.  They are savage baby killers and will attack you immediately if you are carrying a baby, are with child, or are fertile (they can tell).  Do not be fooled into thinking that you are safe because you are a man, as they will kill you too. They are extremely jealous of any males of a species if they can grow hair.  Men with extremely good hair or manly beards are at risk of being scalped (or bearded) alive.  NOTE – If you are a male, and have been attacked by a CHUD and in turn been scalped (or bearded), it is imperative that you seek medical attention.

Once with hair and/or beard, they will attempt to wear it as if it were their own, and will make their way to the surface, where they will try to blend in with society, with astonishing success.

The CHUDs mating call is also one to be feared, as if you have had the opportunity to hear it, chances are you may be mistaken for a CHUD of the opposite sex, no matter your gender.  This is extremely awkward, as in many cases cuddling is involved afterwards.  The only consoling factor of all of this is that you will have been “marked” and will not be bothered by any other CHUDs again.  Unfortunately, this is not true of your “marker” as they mate for life.  The following video has been taken from the CHUD documentary, as it is a portrayal of a CHUD on the prowl, complete with mating dance.  Please listen for the mating call as it is brief:

A few things to note; you will notice that she decapitated its head.  This is one of two proven ways to kill a CHUD, the other being the use of a flame thrower.  You will also note that even after its head was removed, it still was making a move on the young girl.  EVEN AFTER DECAPITATION A CHUD WILL TRY TO SLEEP WITH YOU!  It is because of this that our field team will be armed with flame throwers in addition to making sure that their lazer shovels are properly edged.  They will also be wearing knee high boots, possibly even thigh high boots, at all times to keep any decapitated CHUD heads from trying to make out with their legs.

While we do not condone the unauthorised digging of tunnels, we do recognise that the public needs to stay informed.  With luck, if you, the Science enthusist, finds themselves in a cave or or on the streets face to face with a CHUD, you will be armed with the knowledge of how to defend yourself against their unwanted advances.  We will speak more on the CHUD, as well as the other dangers that lie within the path of the Tunnel at a later date.

Stay true, Science enthusist, Vigilance is key.