Specialized Training.

All our our staff receive some of the finest training that the world has to offer, including advanced OSHA and sexual harassment training.  However, there are some trainings that not all departments are required to take.  And even within departments, the individual teams will differ from one to the next.  The Field Team, for example, is a subsidiary of R&D, and are required to take specific trainings key to their jobs that other members of the R&D are not required to take, and vice versa.  And even then, there are electives for them to choose from to become even more specialized.

Today, we will explore one of these electives.  In recent days, we have discussed one of the many dangers our Field Team will find in the Tunnel – the CHUD.  Even though all Field Team members are trained in basic CHUD combat, team members may elect to take the prestegious CHUD Hunter training course (prereqs are minimal).  It is actually one of the several correspondance training courses that can be taken during their own time, and potentially can be done in the comfort of their own homes.  The following is a run down of an actual training in progress that took place aproximately one year ago:

To set the scene, the training took place at our Indiana training facility located just outside of Indianapolis, IN.  From there we have access to the Hoosier National Forest and its local surrounding cave systems.  If you did not know, this particular region (comprised of central/southern Indiana, Tennessee, Kentucky, and most of Missouri) is riddled with numerous cave systems, all of which are known to lead to the underground where CHUDs lair.  It is not uncommon for our training facility to train school groups in the risks and dangers of the underground, as well as teach basic self defense classes.

CHUD Survival School, Class of 2007

In this picture (above) is the graduating class of 2007 from CHUD Survival school.  Field Instructors Daniel and Theresa oversee the Indiana facility on a day to day basis, as well as run all trainings and programs.  Founder Michael Taylor (purple helmet) can be found leading some of the more trecherous trainings as needed.  We are very proud of our class of 2007, and remember the other 20 students who did not survive the training.

The role of a CHUD Hunter is a daunting one, as you are purposely going out and looking for trouble.  One of the first things that our CHUD Hunters are trained in is being able to identify where they may be.  Many sources, such as the CHUD documentary, would lead you to believe that they are a result of the homeless getting into barrels of toxic and nuclear waste scrounging for food, and thus they may be able to be found at your local nuclear power plant down the street.

Power plant, Southern Indiana

This is simply not true.  Granted, you will find them ocasionally in the vicinity of a power plant such as this one, but that is because they like the taste of the water nearby.  Instead, you will want to be on the lookout for a cave entrance, possibly found in a nearby park or forest, or older houses that will have some sort of entryway into the ground, aptly called a “CHUD Hole” such as the one pictured here.

Indiana facility Field Team Bunk House/CHUD Hole

Once we have established where they can be found, the training can begin.

Step 1: Drink Heavily. Nothing will prepare you for the dangers of the underground like a bottle of bourbon or a 30 cube of PBR, as you will need to be in the right mindset to be able to stand face to face with a CHUD.  Studies have shown that there is a 30% chance that this state of mind is remotely similar to that of a CHUD.  Once you start thinking like one, the better off you’ll be.  Additionally, it will weed out the weak.  We don’t need people who can’t hold their liquor in the Tunnels as we do not have a cleaning service that is reliable.

Step 2: Multitasking.

It is critical for anyone on the WDA payroll to be able to do more than one thing at a time, even if we are seeking a non-profit status.  We put our trainees through some various rigous tasks to test their abilities.  As depicted in this photo, trainees are asked to wash 100 sleeping bags while riding hand-peddle bikes and smoking (not as easy a task when you consider that they need to be doing all three constantly until they are done).

Step 3:Identification

You’ve completed two of the most important steps at this point, but all of your training will be for naught if you end up killing a lost dog in the Tunnel.  Dr. Michael Bell goes over in detail how to spot what you are looking for, from their nests to their coccoons, as well as proper entry techniques and exploratory measures.

Dr. Bell examining the world map with all known CHUD holes.

Instructional team awaiting entry - remember to always take the higher ground Science enthusists!

Entering the lair at the Indiana training facility

CHUD Coccoon

Trainees Jill and Parker identifying a CHUD nest for the first time.

Step 4: Kill it.

Now that you know how to identify it and its lair, you want to kill it.  plain and simple.  whether you use your WDA approved flamethrower, vase, or ninja sword, it is important to kill it.

Step 5: Get the fuck out of there.

Even though you have exterminated the nest, chances are you have missed one, or their screams of terror have reached the ears of more CHUDs, other denizens of the deep, or worse, Dinosaurs.  You will want to leave there as quickly as you can.  which brings us to our final step.

Step 6: Don’t be the slowest one on the team.

During all excursions, make sure that you bring someone who will be able to keep any missed ones busy as you make your escape.  Some would have you believe that you would want to have a heavily trained individual or a sniper for this task.  that is fine, but at the very least, we recommend a tactic we call “the weakest link”.

Trainee Parker, 2/23/83 - 11/3/07 RIP

Had Parker been quicker in the training exercises, it very well could have been you.  His efforts were brave, but just not quite enough.

Thank you for your Vigilance.

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