This Week Shall Not Be Wasted.

Many large appologies are offered to you, the Science Enthusist, as we have not had the opportunity to keep you regularly informed of our happenings here in the office, nor have we brought you any new information in regards to the Tunnel or the other Sciences that we practice.  You deserve better.  You deserve more.

In hope of your understandings, the offices have come down with a fierce and rather rare strain of influenza, incapacitating the entire office from being as productive as we typically are.    We had to actually close our doors for a couple of days, because not even our receptionist could make it in to work, as she was so wrought with illness that she could barely make it to the bathroom to relieve herself.  I do not share this lightly with you, as she would much rather I not share the particulars of her happenings in the lavatory whilst she was taken with sickness, but I just need to have you understand just how serious this was.  It was not pretty to say the least.

We believe that it came from a specimen that we uncovered from a test hole that we have dug in the lower offices of the Manchester facilities.  Its origins is unlike any that we have seen before, and we will discuss it more in depth later this week.  But for today, We wish to discuss some partnerships that may be of interest to you.  As prominent members of the Science community worldwide, we strive to not only educate with the Science, but with the Art as well.  We have selectively arranged ourselves to be in relations with some of the best up and coming the internets have to offer.  Let us begin:

www.noweekwillbewasted.com

No Week Will Be Wasted (NWWBW for short) is an ideological concept that at its basest principal, once subscribed to, forces you to into producing at least one creative thing each week.  This could be starting a blog, or learning more about photography, to writing a book in NaNoWriMo, to going out and exploring the countryside.  Ultimately, you need to be creative, and this provides you with the facultys to be successful through an online community there to support and encourage you in your endeavors.  If you are fearful of starting your own immediately, there are challenges constantly in action for you to take part in, or you may find others with similar ideas who are just looking for someone like you to help encourage them.  In any capacity, you will have made a difference, and you will not have wasted your week.

Geography Corner is our sister organization, promoting travel around the world through well researched endeavors.  Unfortunately, since our hiring of Dr. Reasoner, they have been limited in their new productions.  In the past week through negotions of the harshest kind, we have reached an agreement with them and they will be producing new literature in the upcoming weeks.  They currently do not have a website, but they will have one soon.  We will let you know where to find them.

Not the Goat! is the Internets fastest growing reality show, where barnyard animals from around the globe come to gether to live under one roof and be voted off the show one by one, only to be served as dinner the next evening.  You, the viewer, will have a say in which one gets voted off.

3.14 Rates – We do not know much about them, aside from that they are advocates of mathematics and the free market.  We also like their logo as it inspires fear into math haters.  We have hired them as crowd control when we go to job fairs.  They reciently took place in a race, though they are not very forthcoming in what transpired.  We will keep you posted.

These are only a few of our partnerships, as we have many.  We also have numerous sponsors that we will visit on another day.  For now, please visit our partner sites, especially NWWBW, as it is also the official forum of When Dinosaurs Attack, where you can meet with other Science Enthusiasts and speak of your vigilance.

Dr. Reasoners Credentials.

One of our earliest supporters of the Tunnel Project has been our sister organization Geography Corner, producer of fine informational materials on locations the world over. It is from here that we were able to find our director of R&D, Dr. Phillip Reasoner. Today, I would like to share with you some of his findings when working for Geography Corner, simply Known as the Portugal Project.

The following are facts gathered by Dr. Reasoner on the matter of Portugal:

Portugal is a small little country that Spain allows on their left coast. It is filled with grumpy people and small cars. The legal drinking age is 14. You can have up to three spouses, of either sex. It is a land of mythical proportions. Their language does not have the vowel “E” yet considers “LL” to be a legitimate vowel. Socks are illegal except when wearing suspenders.

They have a President, elected by only tall people, of which there are few. They also have a Prime Minister, who is elected every three and a half years. They also have a King. When an important bill needs to be made law, the President, Prime Minister and King duke it out. Or swap spouses. Which is awkward because of each having three.

Houses must have three doors. That is because Spain is always pushing on their borders and the King fears his country will fall into the ocean. But since no one can predict which way your house will fall into the ocean, they have three doors, figuring one of them should end up facing up.

They are very environmentally aware in the mythical land of Portugal. To conserve water, families bathe together once a week. Everyone is required to recycle and if you don’t, you can have “LL” branded on your neck. That is a vowel, by the way, and is used in place of our “Oh!”.

The following are additional “Fun Facts” about Portugal:

-Through a profound mix-up, Portugal’s state bird is the Walrus. It’s really funny when said in Portuguese.

-When Cabral discovered Brazil, he specifically founded it to cultivate hot, nubile women who would be willing to lay on the beach topless.

-The original name of Portugal was Luisitania. A prophetess foretold that a ship bearing that name would sink and being a people obsessed with sinking, they chose it.

-Lisbon is filled with hot, young, nubile Lesbians. That’s why it’s called “Lisbon”. They call themselves “Lisbians”. It’s another vowel thing.

-Portugal’s primary export is tampons. They make the best tampons in the industry. Their second largest export are false mustaches.

-If you see any words in Portuguese with an apostrophe, that is called a glottal stop. In Portugal, that means to spit. So, any time you speak it, you must spray spittle at that point. Same goes for the characters é, ã, ê, etc.

-Portugal is obsessed with Peanuts, Pork and Paprika. Street vendors sell these three, called “The Three P’s” (or Tet’razini’ Poop’a'lini in Portuguese). They have an odd habit of leaving the shells on the peanuts in this dish. The British love it, but they have bad teeth. A more rare dish, “The Four P’s”, also incorporates Pigeons.

-While grumpy, the men of Portugal are famed for having very bright teeth. That was how they conquered so much in the 15th and 16th century’s. Few soldiers could stand up to the glare of a legion of Portuguese smiles.

-They do bullfighting in Portugal, but unlike Spain, all bulls are adopted as pets afterwards.

-While officially Roman Catholic, many Portuguese still think Bishops wear funny hats.

-Sadly, when polled, 34% of US High School students have never heard of Portugal, and additional 47% can’t find it on the map and another 39% think it’s some sexy dance move. 91% cannot spell Portuguese, even with a spell checker.

-Soccer was invented by the ancient Portuguese. It was originally played with the heads of Roman soldiers. Romans found it distasteful because every single word associated with the sport had numerous glottal stops, resulting in enormous amounts of spit.

-Wine is VERY important to this country. Very. Very.

-Portuguese conquistadors were tough. While their wimpy Spaniard cousins chewed tobacco, Portuguese chewed gravel. That would cause an enormous amount of saliva build up, and when you saw a fellow’s cheeks bulge, all the conquistadors would start chanting “Spit or Swallow! Spit or Swallow!” It was considered quite manly to swallow the largest loads.

As a result of his findings, Geography Corner was able to produce this piece of literature, which has since won them the “Golden Pamphlet”, the highest of awards issued to tourist-informational organizations:

As you can see, we are very lucky to have Dr. Reasoner with us on our staff. Portugal has been considered as a site for the Tunnel, however due to its exit point, we have elected to not.

In the days to come, other members of our organizations credentials will be shared with you so you will feel more confident in our approach and constant Vigilance.

The Plan So Far.

In a world where one needs to constantly be looking over their shoulder, it is always important to have a plan.  Sometimes, it is important to address any and all possibilities that may arise.  It is due to these factors in our cruel world that we have a need for Strategics.

The Strategics that we have in place at WDA are very sound.  We have checked them against old WWII videos and stories via our Department of Strategic Planning, and have found them to be almost flawless as we continue to move forward to the end game.  The following is currently in practice by our field team, and fully supported by our board of directors:

Again, our goal is to build a Tunnel through the center of the earth.  As stated before, we needed to make sure that we were able to find the perfect location for the Tunnel to exist, so we chose Perth, Australia due to its exit point being within close proximity of Bermuda.  It was also beneficial to us that our two key members of the field team were also located here, thus allowing us to keep cost down by not needing to relocate them.

The task is a daunting one, but they will be able to handle it.  To make this project easier on them, our research shows that there is a green grassy area immediately to the west of esplanade station in Perth, which is near our offices.

Safety will be key during the Tunnels progress, so we highly recommend the use of headgear and goggles for their safety.  Research shows that as they dig deeper and deeper into the ground, it will get hot.  So, we are looking into getting custom suits made for our field team.  we are thinking one piece knitted wool suits with hoods lined with the silver “space aged” materials one may find in cooler bags or reusable lunch sacks.  The usage of this material will be key to their survival, as it will keep hot things hot, and cold things cold.  the initial leg of the dig will be colder, so they will be able to carry hot water bottles inside their suits, and then replace them with ice once they get nearer the center of the earth.  We are aware that wool does get rather warm, but we are looking for durability as well as functionality throughout the entire process.

Now, we are predicting that the first leg of the dig will be rather tedious and uneventful, but the grind will be necessary to build up their endurance and strength for when they reach the second leg.  Studies have shown that there is a rather large variety of species that live under the earth, most notable being CHUDs and Dinosaurs.  while CHUDs are scarry and prone to attack, they are easily defeated by fire, as displayed in documentaries based on the CHUD attacks in New York City during the mid 1980s.  It is the Dinosaur attacks that we are most concerned about, which is where Dr. Reasoners knowledge of everything will come into use.

According to Dr. Reasoner, he reccomends the use of lazer mounted shovels to help combat the threats.

Another concern that was raised by Dr. Reasoner is the disposal of the dirt.  Even though our initial Field team will consist of two individuals, we need to be looking to the future and will need to have the Tunnel be large enough to move at least a car through.  This will create a rather large amount of dirt that will need to be placed elsewhere.  Thus, we have begun talks with the government to the island of Myanmar to bring migrant workers over to move dirt to the west side of Rottnest Island. The shear quantity of material should enlarge the island enough so that, with proper sculpting, you can turn it into a Hobbit-land paradise so that all the tourists will stop going to inconvenient New Zealand.  We will keep you abreast of these details as they come to fruition.

Now, in time, we expect the team to be successful and exit just off the coast of Bermuda.  Unfortunately, this is the one part of our plan that we have found flaw with.  Due to a combination of the distance off the coast, and with all of the digging and fighting off of Dinosaurs and the like, we do not find it to be realistic for our field team to be capable of safely swimming to Bermuda.  Thus, we have elected to purchase a boat to pick them up.

We are currently in negotiations with an individual who will assist us with this portion of the Project.  Unfortunately, times are tough, and money is limited worldwide.  To help keep costs down, we are looking to purchase our boat inland from the ocean, possibly Nebraska.  Due to its limited access to the ocean, we feel that we would be able to get more boat for our money than if we were to purchase it from elsewhere, such as North Carolina or Maine.  Assuming we can come to an agreement with our individual, He will be responsible for  acquiring our vessel, and making his way to the ocean, while picking up his crew along the way.  We have a captain in mind who is currently located in the greater Chicagoland area.  Unfortunately, we have not heard from him since we had to go into “internet scilence”.

Another piece that we are currently working on is getting in touch with the government of Bermuda to get permission to pick up our field team in their waters.  We have two individuals in mind that we are also in negotiations with who we feel would meet our needs greatly.  One is a reverend, and the other is some sort of royalty (we assume) based on his title.

And there you have it, the plan to date.  We have not moved forward with any specific actions, as we are still in the planning process, and acquiring equipment and conducting research to make sure that we are in good shape.

Please stay vigilant in these times of wonder.

Building an Organization.

Our mission is true – to build a tunnel through the center of the earth.  This is our guiding principal, and has been at the center of our recruiting drive to date.  It has allowed us to attract interested parties to our Board of Directors, as well as members of our various departments.  I would like to take a few minutes to introduce to you, the Science enthusiast, to some of the faces you may see if you were to visit one of our many offices.

J.M. Tagmire, Director of Media Relations

Located in our South Jersey office, Mr. Tagmire was one of the first to join our team.  His unique approach to his position has allowed him to relate to anyone on any level.  He has been known to get donations from dying widows on social security, as well as convincing their medacare provider that services rendered by our organization are billable hours.  He is currently in talks with several of the networks, as well as Hollywood studios, securing the rights to movies and television series based on our work.  promotional items, such as attire and action figures, are currently in the works under his supervision.

Dr. Phillip Reasoner, Director of Research and Development

Originally associated with the Portugal Project with the world reknowned Geography Inernational, Dr. Reasoner has provided the Organization with all of its information, Scientific and otherwise.  His usage of tools is quite amazing, as well as his visionary practices with stone and wood.  From his mind, many of our field-based operations have him to thank for their current successes.

General Luke Milton (Ret.), Head of Field Team

For seven years, Gen. Miltons whereabouts were unknown.  It wasn’t until we started some of our field experiments and research that his location became known.  Deep within the jungles of Chult he was found bearded and bloodied.  Further investigation led us to find the remains of a native village.  It is believed the General had something to do with it, though no further efforts were made after the sudden death and disappearance of our previous head of the Field Research Team.  Dr. Reasoner was also present on this particular mission, and will not discuss matters further.

Gen. Milton works closely with the R&D Department, eagerly putting Dr. Reasoners experiments and research to use, and is currently in our Perth office preparing.

Fraulein Suzanne, Director of International Relations and Field Team Member

Ms. Suzanne originally started with the organization as a test subject in the R&D Department.  She has been involved in experiments for sleep depravation, dehydration, unneeded chemo, food supliments,  dogs on acid, smoking for children, cutlery, adverse affect of lemon balm, bee hugging, and running to name a few.  Since her days as part of the experiments, she now enjoys watching.

Ms. Suzanne has been asked to join the field team under the direction of Gen. Milton due to her experiences in “unique” situations.  Her years of writing for the Hallmark corporation also are of worth to note.

As it can be plainly seen, we have a variety of experiences throughout the organization that will directly lead to our success within the Tunnel Project.  Only through the usage of their combined talents will we be successful with the task at hand.  As time continues, more informations pertaining to our well-trained staffs will be made available to you.

Stay Vigilant, in Science we have faith.

What We Know.

We are at the height of our intelligence these days, and our researchers know no bounds when it comes to the Science.  Our planning process for the Tunnel has been fairly rigorous since its inception, and though we do not want to share too much at this point with the general public (due to malicious others who would want to claim our research as their own, such as the devious bastards at internet locales of varying ill-repute).  That being said, we do feel we owe it to you, the Science enthusist, more than just a little blurb.

We will be tunneling through the earth, that much is known to you, though you do no know where.  Our research department has been vigilent in determining the best location for the Tunnel long term.  We do have several locations currently picked out, and have surveyers in the field to assess other locations.  We have devised our selections using a powerful tool of the Internets which allows us to pick a location anywhere on the earth, and devise where it comes out.  This tool can be found here.

Naturally, our first site selected to dig was in Manchester, NH USA, the hometown of our central offices.  However, due to the Tunnels exit point being several thousand miles off the southwestern coast of Australia, it would be unrealistic to continue this course of action.  Instead, using the same tool, we have determined that our main Tunnel will start in Western Australia, specifically Perth.  It has been determined that if we were to tunnel here, we would exit off the coast of Bermuda, which is a much more feasible choice.

Now, obviously exiting in the ocean will produce several problems that we are aware of at present.  Our Strategic Development deparment is hard at work assessing our current exit strategy.

More to come, Constant Vigilance is key.

The Time Has Come.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Today, we are witness to one of the the modern days greatest of Scientific endevors.  Today, we take our first step forward into the partially known, and explore the depths of our planet like we have never done before.  Today, the Tunnel goes live.

For some of you, this is nothing new, you have been with us since its inception. but for many, this is new and unheard of.  Please, allow me to explain to you what exactly the Tunnel Project is.

In its simplest form, the Tunnel Project consists of an international community with the intentions of digging a tunnel through the earth from one side to the other.  We have chosen to take on this task not only for the fame that is to be expected to be associated with something like this, or the commerical endorsments that we are sure to follow, but wholely in the name of Science.  Science has blessed us with this vision of greatness, and it will be Science that will guide us through the dark, unless there is light.

In the coming days, weeks, and months, we will be expanding the site with scientific research, artist interpretations of the project, as well as constant updates on the project including photographic, video, audio, and written word from myself, as well as other members of the team.

We thank you for your constant vigilance.