The Greatest Story Ever Told.

For thousands of years, tales have been told of creatures who lived deep within the earth.  Many believed that these stories were fictional, and were there to teach a lesson or a moral.  In many cases, this is true, but there is always truth to these tales in same way.

One particular story is that of Beowulf.  In it, he defends the people from many atrocities of the deep, all of which are real, including danes, trolls, and dragons, that our men and women of the field team will experience daily on their way through the center of the earth.  My brother, Matthew Richard Taylor I, has devoted his life to the cinematic retelling of tales such as this.  In 2000, He took on the task of recounting the tale of Beowulf.  What I share with you today has never before been publicly shown in a venue such as this, and it is shared by many of us that the Science community at large be the first to experience it in its glory.  We do not claim it to be 100% accurate, but there are few in Hollywood that would dare to come as close to the truth as this.

With that, we present to you Beowulf: The Greatest Story Ever

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

We thank you for your vigilance.

Published in: on October 31, 2008 at 10:21 am  Comments (1)  
Tags: , , , ,

The Findings of Science.

Yesterday, we briefly discussed an illness that was going around the Manchester offices from what we believe to be caused by some of our findings in our initial exploratory digging experiments.  We did not want to share all the details with you, the Science Enthusist right away due to our recient hiatus, we feared scarring you away.  We would like to assure you that our Science has proven that you can not contract a disease from using the internets, so it will be safe to show you our findings:

Findings #10030800831

Findings #10030800831

At present, we are still unsure of its exact nature, but we are convinced it is what made us ill.  Additionally, one of our office staff is dead as a result of it.

Jonathan Yochim, Intern

Jonathan Yochim, Intern

Jonathan “Jon” Yochim was on the exploratory team that was digging the text tunnel, when everything started to change.  Reports claim there was an ear piercing noise that was just outside the spectrum, meaning it would come and go.  Our recordings unfortunately reveal only white noise.  Shortly after breaking ground did the tunnel fill with water, and we had to bring in the R&D Pumps as shown here:

Please note the graininess of the photo, as it is the result of what we later found out to be radiation being emmited from the liquid that started to fill the tunnel.  It was within this liquid that Mr. Yochim had found our particular object, where he practically dove into the water to retrieve sait object.  We say practically as the tunnel at this point was only aproximately one foot by one foot by four foot deep.  upon safely storing the object, a terrible thing started to happen to Mr. Yochim; all of his skin started to fall off.

Last photo of Jonathan Yochim

Last photo of Jonathan Yochim

Needless to say, we were a bit wary of our illness after this occured.  We are all better now, for the exception of Mr. Yochim.  He will recieve partial credit for his internship due to his inability to complete his term of stay with us.

Published in: on October 30, 2008 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

This Week Shall Not Be Wasted.

Many large appologies are offered to you, the Science Enthusist, as we have not had the opportunity to keep you regularly informed of our happenings here in the office, nor have we brought you any new information in regards to the Tunnel or the other Sciences that we practice.  You deserve better.  You deserve more.

In hope of your understandings, the offices have come down with a fierce and rather rare strain of influenza, incapacitating the entire office from being as productive as we typically are.    We had to actually close our doors for a couple of days, because not even our receptionist could make it in to work, as she was so wrought with illness that she could barely make it to the bathroom to relieve herself.  I do not share this lightly with you, as she would much rather I not share the particulars of her happenings in the lavatory whilst she was taken with sickness, but I just need to have you understand just how serious this was.  It was not pretty to say the least.

We believe that it came from a specimen that we uncovered from a test hole that we have dug in the lower offices of the Manchester facilities.  Its origins is unlike any that we have seen before, and we will discuss it more in depth later this week.  But for today, We wish to discuss some partnerships that may be of interest to you.  As prominent members of the Science community worldwide, we strive to not only educate with the Science, but with the Art as well.  We have selectively arranged ourselves to be in relations with some of the best up and coming the internets have to offer.  Let us begin:

No Week Will Be Wasted (NWWBW for short) is an ideological concept that at its basest principal, once subscribed to, forces you to into producing at least one creative thing each week.  This could be starting a blog, or learning more about photography, to writing a book in NaNoWriMo, to going out and exploring the countryside.  Ultimately, you need to be creative, and this provides you with the facultys to be successful through an online community there to support and encourage you in your endeavors.  If you are fearful of starting your own immediately, there are challenges constantly in action for you to take part in, or you may find others with similar ideas who are just looking for someone like you to help encourage them.  In any capacity, you will have made a difference, and you will not have wasted your week.

Geography Corner is our sister organization, promoting travel around the world through well researched endeavors.  Unfortunately, since our hiring of Dr. Reasoner, they have been limited in their new productions.  In the past week through negotions of the harshest kind, we have reached an agreement with them and they will be producing new literature in the upcoming weeks.  They currently do not have a website, but they will have one soon.  We will let you know where to find them.

Not the Goat! is the Internets fastest growing reality show, where barnyard animals from around the globe come to gether to live under one roof and be voted off the show one by one, only to be served as dinner the next evening.  You, the viewer, will have a say in which one gets voted off.

3.14 Rates – We do not know much about them, aside from that they are advocates of mathematics and the free market.  We also like their logo as it inspires fear into math haters.  We have hired them as crowd control when we go to job fairs.  They reciently took place in a race, though they are not very forthcoming in what transpired.  We will keep you posted.

These are only a few of our partnerships, as we have many.  We also have numerous sponsors that we will visit on another day.  For now, please visit our partner sites, especially NWWBW, as it is also the official forum of When Dinosaurs Attack, where you can meet with other Science Enthusiasts and speak of your vigilance.

Published in: on October 29, 2008 at 9:54 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , ,

Specialized Training.

All our our staff receive some of the finest training that the world has to offer, including advanced OSHA and sexual harassment training.  However, there are some trainings that not all departments are required to take.  And even within departments, the individual teams will differ from one to the next.  The Field Team, for example, is a subsidiary of R&D, and are required to take specific trainings key to their jobs that other members of the R&D are not required to take, and vice versa.  And even then, there are electives for them to choose from to become even more specialized.

Today, we will explore one of these electives.  In recent days, we have discussed one of the many dangers our Field Team will find in the Tunnel – the CHUD.  Even though all Field Team members are trained in basic CHUD combat, team members may elect to take the prestegious CHUD Hunter training course (prereqs are minimal).  It is actually one of the several correspondance training courses that can be taken during their own time, and potentially can be done in the comfort of their own homes.  The following is a run down of an actual training in progress that took place aproximately one year ago:

To set the scene, the training took place at our Indiana training facility located just outside of Indianapolis, IN.  From there we have access to the Hoosier National Forest and its local surrounding cave systems.  If you did not know, this particular region (comprised of central/southern Indiana, Tennessee, Kentucky, and most of Missouri) is riddled with numerous cave systems, all of which are known to lead to the underground where CHUDs lair.  It is not uncommon for our training facility to train school groups in the risks and dangers of the underground, as well as teach basic self defense classes.

CHUD Survival School, Class of 2007

CHUD Survival School, Class of 2007

In this picture (above) is the graduating class of 2007 from CHUD Survival school.  Field Instructors Daniel and Theresa oversee the Indiana facility on a day to day basis, as well as run all trainings and programs.  Founder Michael Taylor (purple helmet) can be found leading some of the more trecherous trainings as needed.  We are very proud of our class of 2007, and remember the other 20 students who did not survive the training.

The role of a CHUD Hunter is a daunting one, as you are purposely going out and looking for trouble.  One of the first things that our CHUD Hunters are trained in is being able to identify where they may be.  Many sources, such as the CHUD documentary, would lead you to believe that they are a result of the homeless getting into barrels of toxic and nuclear waste scrounging for food, and thus they may be able to be found at your local nuclear power plant down the street.

Power plant, Southern Indiana

Power plant, Southern Indiana

This is simply not true.  Granted, you will find them ocasionally in the vicinity of a power plant such as this one, but that is because they like the taste of the water nearby.  Instead, you will want to be on the lookout for a cave entrance, possibly found in a nearby park or forest, or older houses that will have some sort of entryway into the ground, aptly called a “CHUD Hole” such as the one pictured here.

Indiana facility Field Team Bunk House/CHUD Hole

Indiana facility Field Team Bunk House/CHUD Hole

Once we have established where they can be found, the training can begin.

Step 1: Drink Heavily. Nothing will prepare you for the dangers of the underground like a bottle of bourbon or a 30 cube of PBR, as you will need to be in the right mindset to be able to stand face to face with a CHUD.  Studies have shown that there is a 30% chance that this state of mind is remotely similar to that of a CHUD.  Once you start thinking like one, the better off you’ll be.  Additionally, it will weed out the weak.  We don’t need people who can’t hold their liquor in the Tunnels as we do not have a cleaning service that is reliable.

Step 2: Multitasking.

It is critical for anyone on the WDA payroll to be able to do more than one thing at a time, even if we are seeking a non-profit status.  We put our trainees through some various rigous tasks to test their abilities.  As depicted in this photo, trainees are asked to wash 100 sleeping bags while riding hand-peddle bikes and smoking (not as easy a task when you consider that they need to be doing all three constantly until they are done).

Step 3:Identification

You’ve completed two of the most important steps at this point, but all of your training will be for naught if you end up killing a lost dog in the Tunnel.  Dr. Michael Bell goes over in detail how to spot what you are looking for, from their nests to their coccoons, as well as proper entry techniques and exploratory measures.

Dr. Bell examining the world map with all known CHUD holes.

Dr. Bell examining the world map with all known CHUD holes.

instructional team awaiting entry - remember to always take the higher ground Science enthusists!

Instructional team awaiting entry - remember to always take the higher ground Science enthusists!

Entering the lair at the Indiana training facility

Entering the lair at the Indiana training facility

CHUD Coccoon

CHUD Coccoon

Trainees Jill and Parker identifying a CHUD nest for the first time.

Trainees Jill and Parker identifying a CHUD nest for the first time.

Step 4: Kill it.

Now that you know how to identify it and its lair, you want to kill it.  plain and simple.  whether you use your WDA approved flamethrower, vase, or ninja sword, it is important to kill it.

Step 5: Get the fuck out of there.

Even though you have exterminated the nest, chances are you have missed one, or their screams of terror have reached the ears of more CHUDs, other denizens of the deep, or worse, Dinosaurs.  You will want to leave there as quickly as you can.  which brings us to our final step.

Step 6: Don’t be the slowest one on the team.

During all excursions, make sure that you bring someone who will be able to keep any missed ones busy as you make your escape.  Some would have you believe that you would want to have a heavily trained individual or a sniper for this task.  that is fine, but at the very least, we recommend a tactic we call “the weakest link”.

Trainee Parker, 2/23/83 - 11/3/07 RIP

Trainee Parker, 2/23/83 - 11/3/07 RIP

Had Parker been quicker in the training exercises, it very well could have been you.  His efforts were brave, but just not quite enough.

Thank you for your Vigilance.

Published in: on October 23, 2008 at 9:05 am  Comments (1)  
Tags: , , , , ,

The Pursuit of the Scientific Mind.

In the Scientific circles that we participate in, there is always the question of the validity of ones work.  Looking back through the ages, many of the greatest scientific minds were not recognized until years, sometimes centuries, after their deaths.  Obviously, one of the more famous Scientific discoveries most celebrated around the offices of WDA is that the earth is round and not flat.  Had it been proven the other way around, it would not only make our work more dangerous, but we would be the butt of all jokes in the Scientific community.

A side project of our organization is to keep our eyes and ears to the younger scientific circles, looking for potential up and coming members of notable worth to the Science.  It is our hope that if we find them while they are young, we can help groom them in the Sciences, and hopefully one day they will be of great value to our organization.  To say that we are not doing this for selfish reasons would be wrong, but it is also to the Scientific community that we are doing a service to, as we also weed out the undesirables as well.

Jeffery Rose, Science Enthusist

Jeffery Rose, Science Enthusist

Jeffery Rose, an accademic at Utah State University, is in our employ to seek out these young Science enthusists, as well as assist in discouraging those who should not be in the field of Science.  He has been with the organization for several years, and is currently working in the recruiting office, reviewing the hundreds of thousands of applications and resumes that flood our mailboxes daily.  Mr. Rose recently sent us several pictures from recent conventions pertaining to some potential candidates to bring on, once they have met all of our hiring standards.  Please note, that no alterations have been made by us in the offices, and all are shown as they have arrived in our mailbox, with the addition of the WDA R&D logo in the corner:

The first potential youth is Jeremy Higgins.  As you can see, he has an interest in tunnels, which is a great start in the Science.

Appearance: We like to see that Jeremy has safety first by wearing a pair of goggles, however, he has elected to let some of his hair in behind them.  this can be a poor saftey measurement if his hair were to catch fire fighting the dangers of the deep.  But please note his shirt; although he does loose points for no lab coat, he is sporting a “survivor” shirt, which demonstrates his ability to laugh in the face of trouble because it says that he is a survivor.

Scientific intruments:  This is a category we are concerned with.  It seems that Jeremy has created a mountain of some sort, a volcano if you will, that emits poop.  We are not certain if this is a Scientific endeavor that needs exploration.  That being said, the methods may be adaptable to the Tunnel Project to get rid of the excess dirt.

Oranizational/Marketing Skills:  His 3-section Science board is the standard in modern displays of Science, and we are glad that he has elected to stay up to date with the times at such a young age, but his ability to capture our attention is limited at best.  There doesn’t seem to be enough tape or tacks to keep all four corners of pictures attached, which just cries cutting corners.  There doesn’t seem to be any visual citation to who the happy milkman is either, as we are certain that he is in our employ.  Also, it seems that he is enjoying a nice cup of poop.

Hireable? We will be passing on Mr. Higgins for now, but we will be keeping our eyes on him.

Bryon Johnson, Southburry, CT

Bryon Johnson, Southburry, CT

Bryon Johnson has made a facinating inquiry into the breeding habits of the moon – a rather ambitous endeavor.

Appearance:  Bryon has everything going for him; pants – Check, Shirt – Check, Tie – Check.  Unfortunately, he failed to pay attention to the little details on this day, as he is wearing someone elses name tag.  Tisk Tisk, Bryon, we were rooting for you.

Scientific Method:  He has been very thourough in his studies, and has covered most of his bases.  He does not have a moon baby with him to put on display, which makes it questionable if his research is sound.  There is a chance that it is made up, his photos could have been altered with the use of a computer.  His use of mult-colored letters spelling out “Moon Babies” helps sell his hypothisis, and has earned him a few extra points.

Promotional Materials: None.  There is no way that he will be able to get funding for further research without a colorful tri-fold pamphlet with pictures and a website listed.  In fact, he doesn’t even have a business card to hand out.  At least Jeremy had a cup of poop to offer.

Hireable? We will be holding on to his information for now, in case we have an opening in our R&D department for a 3rd shift lab tech.  I do not believe that he will be elegible for field research.

Marcy Pasternack - Winston-Salem, NC

Marcy Pasternack - Winston-Salem, NC

Marcy Pasternack was a last minute entry as her display was hidden in the back corner of the middle school gymnasium.  It was her usage of the Border Principal that attracted Mr. Rose to her booth.

Appearance:  Dressed conservatively, she lets people know that she is not important, but her research is.  The self-assured smile lets the Science enthusist know that she is knowledgable about the topic, and its reenforced by her use a graphs – a true measure of how science works.

Scientific Method – As you can see, her display has covered all the bases, including photos.  again, she will be marked down for her lack of a human foot included with her display.  We assume that her foot would be available if she were to be questioned about it.

Promotional materials: Her youth and niativity is present in her display, though she does do better than Bryon has on this topic.  obviously, she has some materials available, but she only has one copy of each.  After we took our copies, she had nothing to show.  This will be unfortunate if she is to be courted by others in the scientific community.

Hirable? Yes, we feel that she would be hirable right off the bat for a research position.

So there you go, our first in a series of applicant reviews.  In the coming weeks, we will be announcing a list of job fairs that we will be attending.  In the meantime, if you are a true Science Enthusist, please feel free to submit any research that you have done, making sure to follow all Science Fair standards, including the use of the 3-part Science board.  We thank you with Vigilance.

Published in: on October 20, 2008 at 2:52 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

The Threat of CHUDs.

Our apologies for our delay in keeping you informed.  We unexpectedly had to go into internet scilence yesterday as a result of a breech in our databases at the WDA labs.  At present, we are not fully aware if any of our information has been compromised, and in turn, the safety of our field team.  We believe it to be members of rival organizations who are also interested in being the first to tunnel through the Earth.

On to more pressing matters, We would like to speak to you, the Science enthusist, about some of the dangers associated with the Tunnel Project, specifically CHUDs.

CHUDs, or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers as they are known as in the Scientific community, became popularized in the mid 1980’s with the release of two documentaries, named C.H.U.D and C.H.U.D II – Bud the Chud respectively.  The first documentary was in many ways a very accurate portrayal of the CHUD although it did get a few things wrong, which we will speak on in a moment.  CHUD II, however, is a dismal joke that portrays them as an experiment gone wrong by the U.S. Government on the homeless to create the ultimate soldier, only to have the subject of their experients, Bud the Chud, accidentally delivered to a local hospital where it escapes, and goes on a killing spree while hilarity ensues.  This is not true.

While not 100% accurate, the image to the left is a close proximity to a real life CHUD.  They are savage baby killers and will attack you immediately if you are carrying a baby, are with child, or are fertile (they can tell).  Do not be fooled into thinking that you are safe because you are a man, as they will kill you too. They are extremely jealous of any males of a species if they can grow hair.  Men with extremely good hair or manly beards are at risk of being scalped (or bearded) alive.  NOTE – If you are a male, and have been attacked by a CHUD and in turn been scalped (or bearded), it is imperative that you seek medical attention.

Once with hair and/or beard, they will attempt to wear it as if it were their own, and will make their way to the surface, where they will try to blend in with society, with astonishing success.

The CHUDs mating call is also one to be feared, as if you have had the opportunity to hear it, chances are you may be mistaken for a CHUD of the opposite sex, no matter your gender.  This is extremely awkward, as in many cases cuddling is involved afterwards.  The only consoling factor of all of this is that you will have been “marked” and will not be bothered by any other CHUDs again.  Unfortunately, this is not true of your “marker” as they mate for life.  The following video has been taken from the CHUD documentary, as it is a portrayal of a CHUD on the prowl, complete with mating dance.  Please listen for the mating call as it is brief:

A few things to note; you will notice that she decapitated its head.  This is one of two proven ways to kill a CHUD, the other being the use of a flame thrower.  You will also note that even after its head was removed, it still was making a move on the young girl.  EVEN AFTER DECAPITATION A CHUD WILL TRY TO SLEEP WITH YOU!  It is because of this that our field team will be armed with flame throwers in addition to making sure that their lazer shovels are properly edged.  They will also be wearing knee high boots, possibly even thigh high boots, at all times to keep any decapitated CHUD heads from trying to make out with their legs.

While we do not condone the unauthorised digging of tunnels, we do recognise that the public needs to stay informed.  With luck, if you, the Science enthusist, finds themselves in a cave or or on the streets face to face with a CHUD, you will be armed with the knowledge of how to defend yourself against their unwanted advances.  We will speak more on the CHUD, as well as the other dangers that lie within the path of the Tunnel at a later date.

Stay true, Science enthusist, Vigilance is key.

Published in: on October 18, 2008 at 7:21 am  Comments (1)  
Tags: , , , , ,

Dr. Reasoners Credentials.

One of our earliest supporters of the Tunnel Project has been our sister organization Geography Corner, producer of fine informational materials on locations the world over. It is from here that we were able to find our director of R&D, Dr. Phillip Reasoner. Today, I would like to share with you some of his findings when working for Geography Corner, simply Known as the Portugal Project.

The following are facts gathered by Dr. Reasoner on the matter of Portugal:

Portugal is a small little country that Spain allows on their left coast. It is filled with grumpy people and small cars. The legal drinking age is 14. You can have up to three spouses, of either sex. It is a land of mythical proportions. Their language does not have the vowel “E” yet considers “LL” to be a legitimate vowel. Socks are illegal except when wearing suspenders.

They have a President, elected by only tall people, of which there are few. They also have a Prime Minister, who is elected every three and a half years. They also have a King. When an important bill needs to be made law, the President, Prime Minister and King duke it out. Or swap spouses. Which is awkward because of each having three.

Houses must have three doors. That is because Spain is always pushing on their borders and the King fears his country will fall into the ocean. But since no one can predict which way your house will fall into the ocean, they have three doors, figuring one of them should end up facing up.

They are very environmentally aware in the mythical land of Portugal. To conserve water, families bathe together once a week. Everyone is required to recycle and if you don’t, you can have “LL” branded on your neck. That is a vowel, by the way, and is used in place of our “Oh!”.

The following are additional “Fun Facts” about Portugal:

-Through a profound mix-up, Portugal’s state bird is the Walrus. It’s really funny when said in Portuguese.

-When Cabral discovered Brazil, he specifically founded it to cultivate hot, nubile women who would be willing to lay on the beach topless.

-The original name of Portugal was Luisitania. A prophetess foretold that a ship bearing that name would sink and being a people obsessed with sinking, they chose it.

-Lisbon is filled with hot, young, nubile Lesbians. That’s why it’s called “Lisbon”. They call themselves “Lisbians”. It’s another vowel thing.

-Portugal’s primary export is tampons. They make the best tampons in the industry. Their second largest export are false mustaches.

-If you see any words in Portuguese with an apostrophe, that is called a glottal stop. In Portugal, that means to spit. So, any time you speak it, you must spray spittle at that point. Same goes for the characters é, ã, ê, etc.

-Portugal is obsessed with Peanuts, Pork and Paprika. Street vendors sell these three, called “The Three P’s” (or Tet’razini’ Poop’a’lini in Portuguese). They have an odd habit of leaving the shells on the peanuts in this dish. The British love it, but they have bad teeth. A more rare dish, “The Four P’s”, also incorporates Pigeons.

-While grumpy, the men of Portugal are famed for having very bright teeth. That was how they conquered so much in the 15th and 16th century’s. Few soldiers could stand up to the glare of a legion of Portuguese smiles.

-They do bullfighting in Portugal, but unlike Spain, all bulls are adopted as pets afterwards.

-While officially Roman Catholic, many Portuguese still think Bishops wear funny hats.

-Sadly, when polled, 34% of US High School students have never heard of Portugal, and additional 47% can’t find it on the map and another 39% think it’s some sexy dance move. 91% cannot spell Portuguese, even with a spell checker.

-Soccer was invented by the ancient Portuguese. It was originally played with the heads of Roman soldiers. Romans found it distasteful because every single word associated with the sport had numerous glottal stops, resulting in enormous amounts of spit.

-Wine is VERY important to this country. Very. Very.

-Portuguese conquistadors were tough. While their wimpy Spaniard cousins chewed tobacco, Portuguese chewed gravel. That would cause an enormous amount of saliva build up, and when you saw a fellow’s cheeks bulge, all the conquistadors would start chanting “Spit or Swallow! Spit or Swallow!” It was considered quite manly to swallow the largest loads.

As a result of his findings, Geography Corner was able to produce this piece of literature, which has since won them the “Golden Pamphlet”, the highest of awards issued to tourist-informational organizations:

As you can see, we are very lucky to have Dr. Reasoner with us on our staff. Portugal has been considered as a site for the Tunnel, however due to its exit point, we have elected to not.

In the days to come, other members of our organizations credentials will be shared with you so you will feel more confident in our approach and constant Vigilance.

Published in: on October 16, 2008 at 11:54 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , ,

The Plan So Far.

In a world where one needs to constantly be looking over their shoulder, it is always important to have a plan.  Sometimes, it is important to address any and all possibilities that may arise.  It is due to these factors in our cruel world that we have a need for Strategics.

The Strategics that we have in place at WDA are very sound.  We have checked them against old WWII videos and stories via our Department of Strategic Planning, and have found them to be almost flawless as we continue to move forward to the end game.  The following is currently in practice by our field team, and fully supported by our board of directors:

Again, our goal is to build a Tunnel through the center of the earth.  As stated before, we needed to make sure that we were able to find the perfect location for the Tunnel to exist, so we chose Perth, Australia due to its exit point being within close proximity of Bermuda.  It was also beneficial to us that our two key members of the field team were also located here, thus allowing us to keep cost down by not needing to relocate them.

The task is a daunting one, but they will be able to handle it.  To make this project easier on them, our research shows that there is a green grassy area immediately to the west of esplanade station in Perth, which is near our offices.

Safety will be key during the Tunnels progress, so we highly recommend the use of headgear and goggles for their safety.  Research shows that as they dig deeper and deeper into the ground, it will get hot.  So, we are looking into getting custom suits made for our field team.  we are thinking one piece knitted wool suits with hoods lined with the silver “space aged” materials one may find in cooler bags or reusable lunch sacks.  The usage of this material will be key to their survival, as it will keep hot things hot, and cold things cold.  the initial leg of the dig will be colder, so they will be able to carry hot water bottles inside their suits, and then replace them with ice once they get nearer the center of the earth.  We are aware that wool does get rather warm, but we are looking for durability as well as functionality throughout the entire process.

Now, we are predicting that the first leg of the dig will be rather tedious and uneventful, but the grind will be necessary to build up their endurance and strength for when they reach the second leg.  Studies have shown that there is a rather large variety of species that live under the earth, most notable being CHUDs and Dinosaurs.  while CHUDs are scarry and prone to attack, they are easily defeated by fire, as displayed in documentaries based on the CHUD attacks in New York City during the mid 1980s.  It is the Dinosaur attacks that we are most concerned about, which is where Dr. Reasoners knowledge of everything will come into use.

According to Dr. Reasoner, he reccomends the use of lazer mounted shovels to help combat the threats.

Another concern that was raised by Dr. Reasoner is the disposal of the dirt.  Even though our initial Field team will consist of two individuals, we need to be looking to the future and will need to have the Tunnel be large enough to move at least a car through.  This will create a rather large amount of dirt that will need to be placed elsewhere.  Thus, we have begun talks with the government to the island of Myanmar to bring migrant workers over to move dirt to the west side of Rottnest Island. The shear quantity of material should enlarge the island enough so that, with proper sculpting, you can turn it into a Hobbit-land paradise so that all the tourists will stop going to inconvenient New Zealand.  We will keep you abreast of these details as they come to fruition.

Now, in time, we expect the team to be successful and exit just off the coast of Bermuda.  Unfortunately, this is the one part of our plan that we have found flaw with.  Due to a combination of the distance off the coast, and with all of the digging and fighting off of Dinosaurs and the like, we do not find it to be realistic for our field team to be capable of safely swimming to Bermuda.  Thus, we have elected to purchase a boat to pick them up.

We are currently in negotiations with an individual who will assist us with this portion of the Project.  Unfortunately, times are tough, and money is limited worldwide.  To help keep costs down, we are looking to purchase our boat inland from the ocean, possibly Nebraska.  Due to its limited access to the ocean, we feel that we would be able to get more boat for our money than if we were to purchase it from elsewhere, such as North Carolina or Maine.  Assuming we can come to an agreement with our individual, He will be responsible for  acquiring our vessel, and making his way to the ocean, while picking up his crew along the way.  We have a captain in mind who is currently located in the greater Chicagoland area.  Unfortunately, we have not heard from him since we had to go into “internet scilence”.

Another piece that we are currently working on is getting in touch with the government of Bermuda to get permission to pick up our field team in their waters.  We have two individuals in mind that we are also in negotiations with who we feel would meet our needs greatly.  One is a reverend, and the other is some sort of royalty (we assume) based on his title.

And there you have it, the plan to date.  We have not moved forward with any specific actions, as we are still in the planning process, and acquiring equipment and conducting research to make sure that we are in good shape.

Please stay vigilant in these times of wonder.

Published in: on October 15, 2008 at 10:54 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , , , ,

Building an Organization.

Our mission is true – to build a tunnel through the center of the earth.  This is our guiding principal, and has been at the center of our recruiting drive to date.  It has allowed us to attract interested parties to our Board of Directors, as well as members of our various departments.  I would like to take a few minutes to introduce to you, the Science enthusiast, to some of the faces you may see if you were to visit one of our many offices.

J.M. Tagmire, Director of Media Relations

Located in our South Jersey office, Mr. Tagmire was one of the first to join our team.  His unique approach to his position has allowed him to relate to anyone on any level.  He has been known to get donations from dying widows on social security, as well as convincing their medacare provider that services rendered by our organization are billable hours.  He is currently in talks with several of the networks, as well as Hollywood studios, securing the rights to movies and television series based on our work.  promotional items, such as attire and action figures, are currently in the works under his supervision.

Dr. Phillip Reasoner, Director of Research and Development

Originally associated with the Portugal Project with the world reknowned Geography Inernational, Dr. Reasoner has provided the Organization with all of its information, Scientific and otherwise.  His usage of tools is quite amazing, as well as his visionary practices with stone and wood.  From his mind, many of our field-based operations have him to thank for their current successes.

General Luke Milton (Ret.), Head of Field Team

For seven years, Gen. Miltons whereabouts were unknown.  It wasn’t until we started some of our field experiments and research that his location became known.  Deep within the jungles of Chult he was found bearded and bloodied.  Further investigation led us to find the remains of a native village.  It is believed the General had something to do with it, though no further efforts were made after the sudden death and disappearance of our previous head of the Field Research Team.  Dr. Reasoner was also present on this particular mission, and will not discuss matters further.

Gen. Milton works closely with the R&D Department, eagerly putting Dr. Reasoners experiments and research to use, and is currently in our Perth office preparing.

Fraulein Suzanne, Director of International Relations and Field Team Member

Ms. Suzanne originally started with the organization as a test subject in the R&D Department.  She has been involved in experiments for sleep depravation, dehydration, unneeded chemo, food supliments,  dogs on acid, smoking for children, cutlery, adverse affect of lemon balm, bee hugging, and running to name a few.  Since her days as part of the experiments, she now enjoys watching.

Ms. Suzanne has been asked to join the field team under the direction of Gen. Milton due to her experiences in “unique” situations.  Her years of writing for the Hallmark corporation also are of worth to note.

As it can be plainly seen, we have a variety of experiences throughout the organization that will directly lead to our success within the Tunnel Project.  Only through the usage of their combined talents will we be successful with the task at hand.  As time continues, more informations pertaining to our well-trained staffs will be made available to you.

Stay Vigilant, in Science we have faith.

Published in: on October 14, 2008 at 2:15 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , , , ,

What We Know.

We are at the height of our intelligence these days, and our researchers know no bounds when it comes to the Science.  Our planning process for the Tunnel has been fairly rigorous since its inception, and though we do not want to share too much at this point with the general public (due to malicious others who would want to claim our research as their own, such as the devious bastards at internet locales of varying ill-repute).  That being said, we do feel we owe it to you, the Science enthusist, more than just a little blurb.

We will be tunneling through the earth, that much is known to you, though you do no know where.  Our research department has been vigilent in determining the best location for the Tunnel long term.  We do have several locations currently picked out, and have surveyers in the field to assess other locations.  We have devised our selections using a powerful tool of the Internets which allows us to pick a location anywhere on the earth, and devise where it comes out.  This tool can be found here.

Naturally, our first site selected to dig was in Manchester, NH USA, the hometown of our central offices.  However, due to the Tunnels exit point being several thousand miles off the southwestern coast of Australia, it would be unrealistic to continue this course of action.  Instead, using the same tool, we have determined that our main Tunnel will start in Western Australia, specifically Perth.  It has been determined that if we were to tunnel here, we would exit off the coast of Bermuda, which is a much more feasible choice.

Now, obviously exiting in the ocean will produce several problems that we are aware of at present.  Our Strategic Development deparment is hard at work assessing our current exit strategy.

More to come, Constant Vigilance is key.

Published in: on October 13, 2008 at 4:16 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , , ,